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Masturbating ex-con conceals weapon in ass

The news used to be about current events, politics, world affairs, disasters and such, but things are changing. A naked man was found masturbating on a nature trail in California, and when the police arrested him for indecent exposure they asked the standard question: "Are you hiding any concealed weapons?" Well the dude, 33-year-old John Sheehan of Pittsburg, who only recently had been released from prison was naked, so where could he hide a weapon. Turns out the ass is a good place to hide an awl!

Kinky John is now awaiting trial in the county jail in Martinez on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon. You just can't make up shit like that!

Firecracker Up The Ass

A man in England suffered unspecified injuries after stuffing a firecracker up his ass and lighting it in celebration of Guy Fawkes day. This just cracks me up! How stupid can you possibly get? His friends apparently captured the whole thing on video.

Several of the man’s friends recorded the incident on a mobile phone. The blurry images show a man bent over with his pants down and a white flash as the firecracker explodes.

I bet they're not going to let him forget this any time soon.

Shitfaced

You might wanna take a look at these pics next time you decide to get shitfaced. You really don't want to have your picture plastered all over the Internet in this condition. Come to think of it, you don't want to be in this condition, period.

BREAKING NEWS: The location of the clitoris discovered!

After searching in vain since the dawn of time scientists have finally located the clitoris, and it's not where you thought it was. Believe it or not, it's right smack in the middle of sub-saharan Africa, in some of the thickest, hottest, wettest, most dangerous and inaccessible jungles on earth (well, we knew that).

Our thanks go the the intrepid explorers who risked life and limb in their pursuit and discovery that surely will benefit men all over the world. "Dr Livingstone, I presume?" doesn't even come close to this!

The new Moon Roof from Ford

This is supposedly one of the higher priced extras on a new top-of-the-line Ford soon to hit dealerships across America. A high ranking exec in Ford's R&D department says that "even though the new Moon Roof isn't very aerodynamic and actually blocks out much of the light, you will never have to buy another Wunderbaum again".

Final pricing for the Moon Roof has yet to be set, but it's expected to exceed the price of the car itself. The target demographic is said to be dirty old men.

Spank the secretary

I always wanted to spank a secretary, and now you can too. She's a young pretty thing, has already assumed the position and would love nothing more than to have your strong hand descend hard on her shapely, upturned ass cheeks.